So, I've put up with a lot with my job. I was able to overlook the fact that nobody had a specific job duty for me and I did not know who my supervisor was for six months. I was even able to overlook the fact that they stuck me all alone in a corner with rarely anything to do while high level executives walk by and give me a look like, "what are you doing?" I've always had a feeling that at my job either nobody knew I existed or nobody cared I existed. Well, I think I found out the truth yesterday.

We are actually having performance appraisals this year, a practice that I understand to be rare in HR. I was pretty excited for them, not because I was expecting a good review, but because I could finally figure out what issue people had with me. I figured that I did something along the way to diminish the idea that I was a competent person. I don't know what I did. I finish everything that is given to me quickly and accurately most of the times. The times when I am not accurate it is because the person explaining it was not clear on certain things. However, as soon as the mistake is pointed out, I fix it without complaint. I figured that they don't like me arriving late or they think my communication skills aren't up to par or something.

Criticism or compliment, I was happy that I was finally going to get some sort of recognition. I like to be reminded that I'm not invisible every now and then.

Well, I found out these things yesterday:

• My supervisor does not know what to put on my performance appraisal because she's never given be a task to do and therefore cannot evaluate my duties. This did not surprise me.
• She called the assistant chief and asked him how well I did my duties because I was sitting in his area and helping out the people that he was in charge of. I've even completed numerous tasks for him, created diagrams and charts for whoever runs the treasure chest while I'm gone without him asking me. Especially now that Cindy is gone, he has been asking me to do a lot of the things that Cindy used to do. So what did he have to say when asked how I was doing? "I'm not her supervisor."
• Next, she called the business manager whom I help all the time. I've figured out numerous things for her and have done a lot of her job. She sits right next to me so surely she has something to say about me. "I'm not her supervisor."

Well luckily, I she ended up calling Cindy and she was able to give me a good rating but I already knew that she liked me. But honestly, what's going to happen when my next employer calls and asks how I was as an employee? No one will have anything to say. They're going to care what a supervisor says, not what a co-worker says.

I got this job so that I could advance my business career but this job isn't doing shit for me because nobody wants to help.

Working really hard on projects and triple checking for accuracy just to find out that people don't care does not make me feel good. They basically let me know that it doesn't matter if I did an outstanding job or a crappy job, they're still going to say the same thing.

I feel like a cheap date; I feel like somebody threw some money at me and got me to put my all into something, only to not get a call back the next day. I feel used; I feel neglected; I feel like I'm not respected. I feel like I'm a monkey that they need to entertain every now and then by asking it to make copies and file papers. I don't know why they don't just let me go. They're pretty much paying me to do nothing. Oh wait, they need me to do my primary job duty; I need to be the chief's security guard. I wouldn't be surprised if they just handed me a security uniform one day.

It has been a year and a half and I know no more about human resources than when I first started; this is a serious flaw in the management.

With that being said, I have found seasonal accounting jobs, tutoring jobs and film jobs. I intend to apply to all of them. If I don't get any of those I will work for my uncle at State Farm and as my very last resort, I will try to be a waitress or work in retail. I am done with my current job. A year and a half is far too long to wait for somebody to at least claim responsibility over me.

*If you work at the place I work, please keep this on the DL because I havn't gotten a job yet and can't afford to lose one now.

So the day after Halloween, many of us have been asking ourselves the following question, "Where did all of the trick-or-treaters go?" It seems like times have changed. In the past, meaning five years, the streets ran rampent with little ghouls, witches, angels, scream masks and parents scrambling after them. Nowadays, you are lucky of you see ten people dressed up for the occasion. It makes me a little sad because I always saw myself as being the crazy adult on the block with the cool costume and the mini haunted house that you have to walk through to get the candy. If things continue like this, why even go through the effort. This brings me to the question, is the lack of trick or treaters due to the lack of participating households or is the lack of participating households due to the lack of trick or treaters?

It can go either way. Times right now are pretty tough and especially in the area we live in, people are struggling just to afford living here. Many of us are just too busy to decorate our front lawns or buy a costume. Plus, Halloween supply stores don't make it easy with the ridiculous prices they offer.

On the other hand, many cities now have Halloween festivals and many churches now have Harvest Festivals with rides and games and prizes. Parents perhaps feel that these Halloween alternatives are much more fun and much safer for their kids. They no longer have to investigate the candy before letting their children eat it, a practice that my mom did with my brother and I back in the days.

Or perhaps America is just gotten over the evils of this world. With all of the things that have been happening and with the 2012 fear coming up soon, we probably don't feel like demons and witches are a laughing matter anymore.

Whatever the case, interest in Halloween has certainly diminished significantly. If it goes away and turns into Harvest Day in a few years, I'll miss it. However, if a holiday has to go, at least it's the "evil" one.

I forgot about this.  I was feeling really inspired to write something yesterday but now I'm too tired to do it.  I guess I'll save it for another day.

It has been said by many that the trend in the 2000's seems to be all about retrospect. 

We can see it in our fashion.  I walked into Macys the other day and apparently the hip trend they are trying to enforce upon us for guys is 80's fashion and the hip trend for girls is hippie fashion.  Go figure. 

We can see it in our music.  Whenever I listen to the radio, it's hard to find a song that hasn't borrowed a lyric, rhythm or chorus from a past song.  You see more people with AC/DC, Pink Floyd and Beatles shirts than you do Britney Spears, Kanye West or Fall Out Boy.

We can see it in our movies.  Quentin Tarantino constantly striving to recreate the cinema of the olden days; Cinema of the double features and countdowns, and ridiculous monster movies (Snakes on a Plane). 

We can see it in our shows.  "I Love the 70's, 80's and 90's", VH1's reality shows featuring ex-television stars trying to climb back up into the public eye.  

We can see it in the internet, yes the internet.  Its vasts archives of old television shows, old music and old pictures. 

We can see it in the people in the way we say, "Hey do you remember when...?"

It's an old man's last thoughts before he knows he's gonna die.  "Things aren't going well now, and they're not getting any better.  At least I have my memories of the good ol' days."

I have a feeling that I'm going to be sick tomorrow or tonight.  I already have a sore throat and today Lucia had the flu.  I found out that Marybeth had the flu on Monday.  So I'm pretty much doomed because that entire corner outside of the HR Conference is infested.  At least I'm one of the lucky few who got out of jury duty so I don't have to worry about being in a courtroom with a bunch of strangers.  Well I guess that's all I have to talk about.  Now that I'm actually on the internet I figured that I would update.  I don't have internet btw, or tv.  It's a whole different world, I'll tell you that.

Girls, do you ever get really moody for no reason?  Sometimes all it takes is one look in the mirror or one look someone gives or one thing that someone says that gets you down for a few hours?  It's horrible.  You feel worthless and ugly and fat and miserable and all you want to do is curl up under the covers and sleep and wait for the sadness to go away.  Then when you're feeling your worst you look at your calender and realize that it's almost that time of the month.  The dreaded PMS.  This knowledge makes you feel a litte bit better because now you know that it is your hormones acting up, not you.  However, you continue feeling miserable until...you bite down on a couple pieces of chocolate.  Within 15 minutes you feel a difference and slowly you become your normal self.  Chocolate really is magical, to me that is.  For some it might be ice cream, or mexican food a piece of piece of pie.  Thank God for food. 

Bikes riding into the sunset, couples holding hands on the windy shore, Eiffel 65 playing on the blackberry; this is what my saturday consisted of.

Christmas trees floating on the channel, the veteran's pier stretching out into the ocean, giant sand dunes piled up on the beach, the Queen Mary suffering from agoraphobia, the smoke stacks disguised as colorful candyland-like islands, people living in 600,000 dollar boats in the harbor, this is what Long Beach consists of.

Saturday I combined many of my loves...bike riding, sunsets, frozen yogurt, the beach and Josh. It was a picture perfect evening. It reminds me how beautiful life is.

I might as well have been alone New Year's Eve.

I'm not supposed to be this boring until I'm 50.  I'm not supposed to be having a lot of the problems I have right now until a long long time from now.  This is why I didn't want to get married for a long time. 

The way things are now, I might as well be married.

One thing is for sure...things cannot be like this forever.

Almost every day I am an inch away from just cutting everything out of my life and starting all over again.  Being alone is underestimated.  At least the feelings I get from being alone are predictable.

Yesterday was definitely one of the more eventful Christmas Eves I've ever had. At work food was being pushed into my face like crazy. First the bagels and cream cheese, then the donuts, then the super-delicious hersheys chocolate, and then the glass-bottled orange cream soda. Then for lunch I had some of Josh's left over California rolls and some of the tamales that Yolanda, my old baby-sitter, brought to my family's house. I knew that all those carbs and all of that sugar AND the coffee i had earlier that day was going to cause a super crash. It did but I fended it off for a while thanks to the helping of Green Tea I had a couple hours after work.

Josh called me up and said that he and his parents wanted me to come over for Christmas dinner. Yes, Christmas dinner the night before Christmas. Surprisingly, it seems like a lot of people do that. He said that his parents had presents waiting for us under the tree. Presents for me? Yes, presents for me. Actually, i knew ahead of time that both of his parents were going to get me a present but it was still weird to me. I thought about getting them something but I had no idea what to get.

When i arrived and had nearly crashed into two cars while trying to parallel park on prospect, Josh warned me ahead of time that they had a lot of alcoholic beverages up there and there is this annoying lady who is already wasted. The annoying lady was Josh's mom's neighborhood. She seemed ok but she was definitely drunk. For the majority of the time Josh and I were sitting on the sofa watching the matrix on blue-ray while his mom and dad and annoying were at the dining room table. He always feels uncomfortable when his mom and dad are together, especially when they drink. They're social drinkers, not alcoholics, don't worry. I love his parents soo much. They are beyond nice to me and are always happy to see me. When it was time to open gifts I was maybe expecting one small gift from his mom and one small gift from his dad. Boy, was I wrong. From his dad I got a super soft blanket and a $100 bill. I'm thinking about investing that sucker. Buy stocks now while they're cheap and hope that the economy boosts back up later on in life and make some moo-lah. Or I could go shopping. Both ideas are sounding pretty good right now. His mom got me Emu slippers, a pajama set, and a necklace, and warm cozy socks, and gum and all sorts of goodies that were in the stocking. I was pleasantly surprised and wish I could thank even more than I did. And then Josh got me like the sweetest present ever! He signed both of us up to take ballroom dancing lessons at our gym. I have been wanting to take dance lessons for the longest time but could never find anybody that would do it with me. I am soo excited! Oh, and Josh also gave me, his mom and his dad pet rocks. They look similar to the one in this picture but mine is cuter. I googled this image because I think I left my camera in my car and I didn't feel like getting it. I assure you it is adorable though. What really impressed last night was how well he knew his parents. Both of them, especially his dad, really got a kick out of his pet rocks. I finally gave Josh my gift, a leather wallet that has a little message engraved on it. Now he doesn't have to have his money sitting out on his dresser all the time. He loved it even more than I thought he was going to. After presents, we gathered around the table and had a nice gluten-free Christmas meal.

Actually the meal itself was interesting too because I found out that not only did his whole family once went to Hope Chapel, his dad was witnessed to by Pastor Zac himself. His dad said that Pastor actually has a short sermon based on him and sure enough, as he was telling the story I did remember hearing that sermon. Apparently he and Pastor Zac went to the same gym. Zac used to see this "angry man" every day and felt like God wanted him to witness to him and pray for him. Zac supposedly prayed for Josh's dad for a whole year until finally in the locker room, Zac puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "I've been praying for you." That moment changed Josh's dad's life and he was saved discipled with Zac and everything. I'm not sure why he doesn't go to Hope Chapel anymore but he says he goes to a different church now. It's weird how things work out like that. Even when things are crazy and I don't know what is going on, God knows what is going on. And he is moving in my life. I'm aware that I'm not completely right with God right now but I'm trying and I have faith in him and I know that he'll forgive me as long as I believe in him.

After dinner I went to the Christmas Eve service at Hope Chapel. That was an absolutely amazing experience. The music was sooo good! I didn't feel like I was at church, I felt like I was at a concert. When Zac finally spoke he had us think about Christmas in a different way. We wanted us to imagine what the birth of Jesus was like from heaven. After all, at that moment all of the glory that is Jesus that was sitting beside God in heaven went into human form. "Everything went into nothing." It was a very thought provoking service.

I slept at my parents house last night and didn't realize how much I missed it. I finally got to talk to and understand my brother because everything I had heard about him before made it seem like my brother's life was hopeless. It had seem like he had gotten angrier and was meaner and even less motivated than he was before. However, after talking to him I realized that he's still my little brother who is still sometimes afraid to sleep in his room alone. He is having a hard time with some things but I promised that I would be there for him and that we'd try to get past these barriers that he is having.

This morning my brother woke us all up at 6 am because he wanted to open presents. Some things never change. I didn't get the Wii after all. I didn't ask for one but I thought I was going to get one because my brother saw one downstairs. It turns out that my mom got it for herself but she's willing to share. I still got lots of neat gifts though. Shoes!!! Now I'm in my bed and eating homemade pancakes, bacon and eggs. I'm just gonna chill here until it's time for Christmas dinner #2. It feels so good to be home :0)

Soo...I'm dumb. I was home alone and decided that then would be a good time to see what it would be like to drink along. The picture was actually taken from my living room a couple of days before. I couldn't get the sunset to look as perfect as it actually was that evening.

The cartoon is...something else right? LOL. Syntax aside, i couldn't help but chuckle at what I had done the night before. Not because it's hilarious or anything. It's just random.

6 months of drama, 6 months of joy,
6 months I've given myself to this boy,

6 months of conflicting interests,
6 months of getting irritated by what he says to other people,
6 months of you getting jealous for no reason,
6 months of me getting jealous of every redhead that walks by,
6 months of dealing with him talking to his friend I don't like,
6 months of not being able to talk to my good friend,
6 months of barely seeing anyone else but him,
3 out of the 6 months waking up next to him.

However there have also been...

6 months of cuddling,
6 months of comforting,
6 months of fun,
6 months of gifts for no reason,
6 months of kissing,
6 months of waiting for the opportunity to kiss in the rain,
6 months of his driving scaring me,
6 months of my driving scaring him,
6 months of holding each other when the house is making scary noises,
6 months talking to his mom,
6 months talking to his dad,
6 months of movies,
6 months of trying to teach me how to play video games,
6 months of trying to teach me how to sail when i don't know how to swim,
6 months of going to the gym; me in shorts, him in jeans.
6 months of reassuring me that my flaws are in my head.
6 months of looking into your eyes and thinking, "Wow your eyes are blue."
6 months of reassuring me that I'm the one for him,
3 of the six months spent waking next to him.

We have our ups and we have our downs, we have our laughs and we have our anxieties.  But I still love you.  And our love doesn't seem to be dying down anytime soon...even after six months.  Even though I've complained about it before, thank you for placing me at the top of your list.  Thank you for not being like any of the others.

*Kristina, your entry kind of inspired mine.

 I'm hoping that maybe writing something down will help me understand my emotions.  Right now it seems like there is only confusion.  I can't seem to do anything right no matter how hard I try and then when I stop trying it gets even worse because all of a sudden I'm selfish and don't care for anyone else's feelings. 

I'm in over my head.  This is all too big for me.  Be careful what you wish for you guys because you might just get it.  From the beginning of high school to now I'd been slowing getting things that I always wanted but never had throughout elementary school.  I remember during that period thinking that I wanted friends, not just people u sit with at lunchtime or play handball with, real friends that you talk on the phone with and go shopping with.  I finally got that maybe 7th or 8th grade.  Then I wanted to have guy friends because guys never seemed to want to talk to me.  Then I wanted a boyfriend.  Then I wanted to be one of those pretty girls that get complimented by strangers.  Then I wanted to not only have a group of friends that I can hang out with but be part of the inner-circle, the people that always knows what's going on and that helps plan what to do and where to hang out.  Then I wanted to have just a taste of the college lifestyle, you know...drink a couple times to see what my personality is like when I'm drunk go dancing at clubs, explore things and go outside my comfort bubble.  Well, this bubble has popped and I don't know what to do now.  I feel like hiding.  My social anxiety that I thought has improved substantially has gotten increasingly worse.  When I'm asked a question, I don't know what to say or how to say it.  

I'm about 2 inches away from calling it quits and building up my wall again that I had in elementary and middle school.  This means breaking up with Josh and turning off my phone so that I lose contact with everyone.  Retreat back into books and school work and exploring things on my own.  I have my car now so it won't be so bad.  I can go to museums, parks, beaches, concerts or anywhere I want to go.  Maybe I'll hang out with my brother, or I can just go by myself.  There's no reason why I can't.  I'm probably just one of those nobodys who are meant to enjoy a quiet simple life.  I think that's why I've given up on film production because film is too big for me also.  

Will I be happy?  Not at first but I can get used to it.  Just forget the past and pretend it all didn't happen.  But this isn't realistic.

What is real though is the fact that I am dating Josh, whom I think I love.  My definition of love is a little confused but from what I got so far I think this is it.  The only friends that I know that I can hang out with are Kristina, Mike, Sofia, Siraaj, Brooks and Whitney.  I want to hang out with Reem and her friends again (Stephanie, Danny, Lisa, Thomas) but I don't think Reem wants to talk to me.  I don't blame her.  I want to talk to Mark again really badly.  Almost every day I see or hear about something and want to tell Mark about because he'd think it's funny but I can't.  I hope one day Mark and Josh can just talk to each other and work things out.  I don't even know what happened with Mikah and I.  All I know is that she was being messed up to me and i stood up for myself for once.  

I don't like that people are turning against each other because of me.

I don't believe that Josh is a bad person.  I do believe that he is one of those people that I need to keep in my life, not neccessarily as a boyfriend but as a friend, just like Kristina.  I know it's bad to base something purely on emotion but emotion and logic go together on this one.  I wish I could explain but I can't.  I might not even be in my right mind now, in fact i'm almost certain that I'm not, but this is how I feel right now.

This helped sort out my thoughts a little bit but I have a feeling that my thoughts need a lot more sorting.  Yeah they definitely do.  I'll probably be doing this in private mode because the rest are more personal.

 Mikah: So what r u up to?

Me: Contemplating my love life.  

So I met a couple of guys at the club. I didn't make out with any of them this time.  One of them I danced with the other one I just talked to.  The latter's name is Jr and he actually kinda seemed like my type, however i'm not quite sure what my type is anymore.  I may end up dating him.  Even though i've been telling myself that I need a boyfriend, an actually honest to God, not "complicated" relationship status boyfriend.  But I'm scared.  I don't know why.  It's not like he's the scariest risk i've ever taken.  He's 22, i've been with older, he's actually got career aspirations, he actually didn't see me dance so he doesn't really know that risque' side of my personality yet and he seems nice.  He lives in like Burbank though and goes to CSUN.  But i dunno, we'll c what happens.  It's not stressing me out or anything, it's just on my mind.

So much studying i need to do but so many friend events that i need to go to!!  And with all of them, if i don't go i'll feel bad for not going.  I'll probably just have to reserve Sunday for studying.   

 My schedule just went from pretty crappy to pretty awesome due a new Finite Mathematics class openning up.  So yeah i'll be at school from 12:30-10:00 with three classes on monday, and from 11:00-10:00 with two classes on tuesday, but i only have one afternoon class on wednesday and no classes on thursday and friday.  Mon-Wed school schedule!!! Awesomeness.  And i'm taking an online class, not cause i wanted to but because i have to take this class and apparently they changed it to an online course.  Next semester is gonna be pretty sweet indeed.  This also means that I can probably work during this free time, if i feel like i absolutely have to.

You know how right when you've successfully forgotten about someone or something, and then you're reminded of it again like soon afterwards?   Yeah, i knew this was gonna happen soon.  I don't know if you guys have noticed but it's been a while since I posted about you-know-who.  I logged onto myspace and after months, finally got a message from him.  Why can't he just let me forget about him???


P.S.  Okay, so confession.  Part of me is really relieved that he sent a message and that he does still think about me.  I'm a little annoyed that it took 2 months though.  It's like either keep in contact or don't.  Stop playing games with me.