Log in

23 May 2011 @ 11:35 pm
How on earth do I end up in these situations??
Current Mood: confusedconfused
24 February 2011 @ 04:00 pm
Josh has a new girlfriend.  Mr. "I want my freedom" has a new girlfriend.  Well, I saw a picture of her and my only comment is best illustrated in the following video (Click the link.  It wouldn't let me embed this one):


If you think that's bad, my mom and my roommate's reaction went something like this:

And that's all I'm saying...
Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: Pink
13 February 2011 @ 11:51 pm
I messaged him on facebook.  I couldn't help it.  At least he answered back and said that he missed me as a friend also and that he was thinking about contacting me today.  I'm glad I did it because otherwise I would have forever wondered if he still thought about me.  At least now I know he does.  I don't think we should see each other for a while.  Even talking over the phone might be too much.  But messaging every once in a while shouldn't be bad. 
Current Mood: calmcalm
13 February 2011 @ 10:04 pm
It baffles me how people can just decide not to talk to someone without any effort whatsoever.  I miss talking to people.  When I decide to not talk to someone it takes serious effort on my part.  I'm only successful when the other person decides they don't want to talk to me.  I still want to talk to Josh even though I know that when I do he'll say something that will piss me off, or he will tell me something I don't wanna know.  I at least wish we were friends on facebook so I can see what he's up to.  Not to stalk him or anything.  It's just he was a close friend for so long, it's weird to not know what he's doing.  He doesn't talk to anyone in Redondo so I can't even ask anyone how he's doing.  Right now, the only thing keeping me from calling is my pride.  I don't want to be the weak one who gives in first because I don't want to feel like I'm the only one who still cares about him as a friend, even though that might be true.  Sometimes I even want to call him just to say that I found someone else and rub it in his face.  I want to see him again so he can see how much weight I lost and how good I look now.  I want him to see exactly what he gave up.

 I definitely don't want to get back together with him but I miss him as a friend.  But for all I know, I'm not even in his thoughts anymore.  No matter how much I don't want it to, it hurts.  I must really not leave any impression on anyone's lives because once people decide not to talk to me, they do it easily.  If I were hair on their head, getting rid of me is like the equivalent to cut an inch of one strand of hair.  There's no change at all and you don't miss that one inch at all.  For me, not talking to somebody that I've been friends with for a long time is like if I decided to cut my hair into a Halle Berry look.  It's just different and it takes a long time to get used to.  And yes, sometimes I miss those 6-8 inches of hair, a lot.   Because for some reason, most people leave a large impression on me whether they know it or not.  So I don't think I'll ever understand going from talking to someone all the time, to suddenly not talking at all.  People sometimes drift away, but that's different.  It's not out of spite, it's out of life circumstances.  And if you do decide to call this person or message them, it won't be nearly as awkward or frightening.  I just really wish that our relationship ended differently.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
13 February 2011 @ 11:18 am
 So far he's everything I ever wanted a guy to be.  : )  Now, I just have to wait for the flaws to show.  I also have to see if he handle my many flaws : /
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
12 February 2011 @ 01:23 pm
: )  
So I'm studying with R. today at Starbucks.  He had to leave for a fitting for his friend's wedding but he's coming back.  So far so good!  I can't believe it, the more I learn about him the more I like him.  He's totally a nerd!  He's a nerd in a good way too!  He's one of the few people I know who actually studies when they're with other people.  He might even be more studious than me, maybe.  He reads comic books, we're into the same movies, and into the same shows.  He's totally shy but we get along so well together!  Besides, I think shyness and nerdiness is cute!  Sometimes it takes a while for me to warm up to people but it's easy to talk to him.  I really do hope this goes somewhere.  But even if it doesn't, he'd be a good friend to have.  I can tell you one thing, he's making it a lot easier for me to get over Josh.  It even makes studying for Acct300B a lot more fun.
Current Location: starbucks
Current Mood: happyhappy
Current Music: coffee shop music
08 February 2011 @ 05:44 pm
Ever since I've started taking antidepressants, I've noticed a change in time.  Days seem longer now and not just because it's winter.  All in all, it makes me wonder, when I was depressed, just how long did I zone out?  I catch my mind wandering here and there but it only feels like a few seconds. 

Speaking of time, when you look into the face of a loved one who is on their way to the grave, you can't help but ponder about time.  My grandma's sister, or Aunt Jill, is in ICU right now.  We're still not sure what happened.  We do know that she would no longer be with us if her daughter didn't sign a "do not resuscitate" letter.  That's a whole new issue that I can write about but I'm not going to go there today.  I stared down at my aunt and I saw the face of my grandfather on my dad's side, and I saw my grandfather from my mom's side, and then my grandmother from my mom's side, and then my grandmother on my dad's side.  All of them have passed away.  And then I stare down and see my face, old and withered, being kept alive no longer by the breath of God but by the breathing of the machine.  Nobody likes going to the hospital, particularly the ICU, but we all have a bed reserved for us; some of us are called to it sooner than others.  At some point it's going to be me looking up from the hospital bed into the eyes of my children and grandchildren.  I'll hear them speak to me and I'll try to respond with a blink or a twitch.  They'll smile when they notice my efforts but I will not be satisfied.  I'll pray for God to grant me just a few words so I can tell my family how much I love them and how sorry I was for any wrongs I may have done.  Just being able to have three words will be considered a joyous blessing. "I love you."  I imagine people would have nicer things to say if they spoke as if they were uttering with their last breath.  In the midst of my internal struggle, I notice my family exiting the doorway while blowing kisses.  I am alone again.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Sqeaky door : (
06 February 2011 @ 08:34 pm
 Sneaky little bugger!  Here I thought my allergies are acting up and the next thing you know my body goes berzerk.  Right after I signed off from live journal, I started practically hallucinating and then I got the chills.  I'm not even going to describe to you what the next day was like.  Not to mention, I didn't sleep half the night last night.  But everything happens for a reason.  If I weren't sick and had to go to work, I might not have finished my professional simulation in time.  Anyways, I'm still sick.  I didn't get to meet with R. today because I felt like crap but we still sent some e-mails back and forth.  

Well, on a more positive note, flus are a wonderful way to lose weight!  *forced smile*
Current Mood: soresore
Current Music: NFL theme song
04 February 2011 @ 08:43 pm

Misery, thy name is Sinus Infection.  I was just sick two weeks, carried a frog in my throat for the next two weeks, and now I'm sick again.  How am I supposed to study?? 

I'm working friday and saturday this week.  Need I say anymore?

I love my roommate to death but sometimes she is very irresponsible.  That's means a lot coming out of me when it comes to responsibilities around the house.  My mom was getting sick of our  kitchen being dirty so she put up a sign that said "clean the counter tops, put cardboard boxes in the recycling bin...our kitchen is getting out of control.  I agreed, so I washed the dishes and such.  Well today, my roommate put empty pizza boxes on top of the trashcan with additional trash on top of it.  How am I supposed to throw trash away.  The thing is, my mom isn't going to complain to her about it.  She's going to complain to me about it.  

Also, I came home to her giving the dog a bath in the bathtub....I would've appreciated if she asked my permission first because it grosses me out.  I know what dogs do and I know how often she picks up her poop from the backyard.  Not only did she do this, she preceded to dry the dog in the living room.  So now my living room smells like wet dog.  I can't smell it anymore because of my sinuses but sinus infection wasn't that bad until came home.  So you gotta wonder if I'm allergic to the shampoo or something.  I don't understand why she didn't dry her in the tub.  So if my house smells like wet dog, you'll know why.


The "break-up diet" is the best diet ever!  I lost probably 5 pounds and now I'm two pounds away from weighing the lowest I've ever weighed in my adult years.  That's something to celebrate, who's up for ice cream?  In all seriousness though, I didn't starve myself to lose weight or anything.  I've been working out and trying to stay in tune with my body.  I'm realizing that my body tends to handle protein well but carbs and dairy products not so well.  So I've been having eggs or a protein shake in the morning and that tends to curb my appetite well.  I'll still eat meals but I won't eat as much.  I think working out is all about figuring out what your individual body wants or doesn't want.  I know that some people's bodies respond better to carbs.  I guess one could argue that I'm losing weight because the antidepressants are making me not depressed so now I don't eat for comfort.  One could also argue that the lack of eating is a hidden depression or covert depression.  Either way, I'm 5 pounds lighter and I like it.  

So R. texted me .  We have plans to study together in the library on Sunday.  It would've been tomorrow if I didn't have to work.  I'm kind of glad we're not meeting tomorrow because then he doesn't have to see my "I'm sick" face.  I'm sure most have you have seen it at one point..  I look like I'm dying.  My face turns a pale pasty yellow but my rossatia kicks in on certain areas of my face.  I look like that animal in Dr. Seuss's Put Me in the Zoo book, except all my spots are red.  Thankfully, I might look back to normal by sunday.  I'm excited an nervous at the same time because he don't know anything about each other.  I kind of feel like I have to study to study with him on Sunday so I don't seem dumb.

Anyways, I had more to say but this computer light is REALLY hurting my eyes!
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: noises hurt my head!
Accidental Awesomeness

So today was an accidentally social day.  After accounting I went to the CBA lab  to study for accounting.  A little while later this really cute guy from BBSA asked if he could see the solutions that the professor put up on beachboard.  We were talking and I was being my nervous stressful self.  I swear, I have no idea how to tear down the wall that I put up when I first meet people.  Anyways, he offered to study with me sometime and we traded phone numbers.  I like to aim low when it comes to these things so I'm just going to assume that we're just it's just a friendship in the making.  However, I have to say, handsome, smart, nice, accounting major, biracial dude?  I could deal with that.  Now I only have to find out if he's a Christian. : )

After my film class, I ran into Lotus and reminisced about the VA.  Then I ran into Kristell and Jonathan from Circle K and we chatted about how he had mistaken a medicine to cure his flu with laxatives earlier in the week and wondered why he was feeling worse.  Then I met up with Josh 2.0 from my management class to interview each other for the project my teacher assigned.  He was a pretty cool cat.  Anybody who is into movies as much as I am is going by me.  Then I ran into a couple of girls from the art class that I was in and talked about our professor's crazy shinanigans.  If you look at the picture on my facebook with me having a pillow fight in the fountain, that was his idea.  Then I met up to have dinner with Alissa from Christians on Campus and we chatted about food and teaching and such.  Then I had management and talked to Josh 2.0 again.  In the meantime, very little studying for accounting was done.  It doesn't matter, I going to do my minimum 2 hours a day study requirement as soon as I finish writing.  I should be done studying at about 12:30am to 1:00am.  I'm definitely not getting eight hours of sleep tonight.  It was a fun day though, exhausting, but fun.

And then a Hero Comes Along

As I mentioned earlier, I'm still trying to find a female role model to strive to be so I can at least have some aim of how I'm going to help society in my lifetime.  Nearly every woman I've looked out so far was either born rich, or married someone rich.  The only others that I found, such as Joan of Arc, Rosie Parks, etc., had to truly suffer to make an impact.  Well I certainly wasn't born rich and to marry rich seems unlikely, maybe I have to strive to suffer for the sake of righteousness?  For the meantime, I'm going to continue researching.  Let me know if you have any ideas.  Btw, don't get me wrong, I'm not aspiring for fame.  I just want to be able to do something that I can say that I'm proud of because I think that this will bring satisfaction to my life, not so much money.  

Jar of Hearts

For the rest of my entry i will include a song that I am going to play to myself every day until I get over this Josh nonsense.  Also, for now on, I'm going to cut my writings about Josh because I don't want to be THAT GIRL who won't shut up about her ex-boyfriend that she's having trouble getting over.  I have to write about it though because it helps.  It takes the thoughts out of my brain and into my journal.

Since apparently I can't copy and paste onto live journal, here's the link to the lyrics.  www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/christina_perri/#share

Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri