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08 February 2011 @ 05:44 pm
Time is subjective  
Ever since I've started taking antidepressants, I've noticed a change in time.  Days seem longer now and not just because it's winter.  All in all, it makes me wonder, when I was depressed, just how long did I zone out?  I catch my mind wandering here and there but it only feels like a few seconds. 

Speaking of time, when you look into the face of a loved one who is on their way to the grave, you can't help but ponder about time.  My grandma's sister, or Aunt Jill, is in ICU right now.  We're still not sure what happened.  We do know that she would no longer be with us if her daughter didn't sign a "do not resuscitate" letter.  That's a whole new issue that I can write about but I'm not going to go there today.  I stared down at my aunt and I saw the face of my grandfather on my dad's side, and I saw my grandfather from my mom's side, and then my grandmother from my mom's side, and then my grandmother on my dad's side.  All of them have passed away.  And then I stare down and see my face, old and withered, being kept alive no longer by the breath of God but by the breathing of the machine.  Nobody likes going to the hospital, particularly the ICU, but we all have a bed reserved for us; some of us are called to it sooner than others.  At some point it's going to be me looking up from the hospital bed into the eyes of my children and grandchildren.  I'll hear them speak to me and I'll try to respond with a blink or a twitch.  They'll smile when they notice my efforts but I will not be satisfied.  I'll pray for God to grant me just a few words so I can tell my family how much I love them and how sorry I was for any wrongs I may have done.  Just being able to have three words will be considered a joyous blessing. "I love you."  I imagine people would have nicer things to say if they spoke as if they were uttering with their last breath.  In the midst of my internal struggle, I notice my family exiting the doorway while blowing kisses.  I am alone again.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Sqeaky door : (