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13 February 2011 @ 10:04 pm
No talkie  
It baffles me how people can just decide not to talk to someone without any effort whatsoever.  I miss talking to people.  When I decide to not talk to someone it takes serious effort on my part.  I'm only successful when the other person decides they don't want to talk to me.  I still want to talk to Josh even though I know that when I do he'll say something that will piss me off, or he will tell me something I don't wanna know.  I at least wish we were friends on facebook so I can see what he's up to.  Not to stalk him or anything.  It's just he was a close friend for so long, it's weird to not know what he's doing.  He doesn't talk to anyone in Redondo so I can't even ask anyone how he's doing.  Right now, the only thing keeping me from calling is my pride.  I don't want to be the weak one who gives in first because I don't want to feel like I'm the only one who still cares about him as a friend, even though that might be true.  Sometimes I even want to call him just to say that I found someone else and rub it in his face.  I want to see him again so he can see how much weight I lost and how good I look now.  I want him to see exactly what he gave up.

 I definitely don't want to get back together with him but I miss him as a friend.  But for all I know, I'm not even in his thoughts anymore.  No matter how much I don't want it to, it hurts.  I must really not leave any impression on anyone's lives because once people decide not to talk to me, they do it easily.  If I were hair on their head, getting rid of me is like the equivalent to cut an inch of one strand of hair.  There's no change at all and you don't miss that one inch at all.  For me, not talking to somebody that I've been friends with for a long time is like if I decided to cut my hair into a Halle Berry look.  It's just different and it takes a long time to get used to.  And yes, sometimes I miss those 6-8 inches of hair, a lot.   Because for some reason, most people leave a large impression on me whether they know it or not.  So I don't think I'll ever understand going from talking to someone all the time, to suddenly not talking at all.  People sometimes drift away, but that's different.  It's not out of spite, it's out of life circumstances.  And if you do decide to call this person or message them, it won't be nearly as awkward or frightening.  I just really wish that our relationship ended differently.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed