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27 January 2011 @ 11:08 pm
 I keep wanting to call you, but then I remember about all the times you've hurt me.

School and Other Whinings

This week has been...okay.  School is school.  Accounting is time consuming and difficult.  Marketing will probably be interesting, Production Management should be VERY interest, and Management will probably be easy.  This week is the last week that I'm guaranteed to not have to work on a Saturday.  Tax season officially kicks off next week and it's going to be crazy!  My goal is to put together as many tax returns as I can and do the regular accounting as quickly as I can because I don't want us to fall behind like last year.  Last year, me and the other girl were supposed come in four days a week which includes Fridays and Saturdays.  Hopefully, I will get to switch between working fridays and saturdays.  I understand that everyone else at the office has to work Monday through Saturday but when you go home you don't have to complete at least 20 hours of studying and hw!

In other news, I need a vacation.  But seriously, I've been detaching myself from people this week.  I don't mean to but I do.  I need to study but at the same time, socializing sounds exhausting.  I don't know how people do it all the time.  

I feel stuck.  I feel like I'm caught in a void and I can't climb out of it or sink into it.  I'm going nowhere running.  How is it that I can be so busy but have nothing to show for it?  I thought that I would have accomplished so much more by the time I got to this point in life.  I wish I knew how shitty state schools were.  There's parts of it that I like but most of it I don't like.  There's no community, a lot of the people are not bright (to put it lightly), and there doesn't seem to be nearly as many opportunities as other schools.  

Also I have to get out of the Redondo bubble.  I want out of the Long Beach bubble as well.  I feel like I'm going to suffocate.  I feel like I'm stuck in an hour glass. I'm trapped in the Redondo Beach half of it and then I fall through the tube, otherwise known as the 405, and into the Long Beach half of it.  Time goes by and then the hour glass gets flipped again.  I've always wondered, do those grains of sand ever wonder what it's like to be out of the glass chamber?  I bet the sand particles dream of the wind blowing them into miraculous new sights and sounds.  Until one day it sticks to other grains of sand.  Years go by and the sand has hardened and grows into a hill, or maybe even a mountain.  The hour glass is safe but it is repetitive and it is forever.

Current Mood: apatheticapathetic
Current Music: Beast of Burden by Rolling Stones
23 January 2011 @ 11:32 pm
I've come to the realization that I have a slight problem.  I can be very vain at times.  I kind of have a feeling that it was God that pointed it out.  Here's why...

As usual, I was standing in front of the mirror picking apart my appearance like I usually do down drops a white spider in front of my face.  It's just dangling on its web in front of my face.  Naturally, I scream and back away.  After I walk away, the spider starts climbing up again as if his sole purpose was to scare the living daylights out of me.  Normally I'm not one to kill spiders but every once in a while, if they get in my way, I squish them.   

Anyways, that had never happened to me before.  However, the NEXT DAY, I was looking in the mirror AGAIN and down drops a spider swinging from his web right behind my head.  I thought that was bizarre.  It's like they were trying to teach me a lesson or something.  Well, it kind of worked because now I'm kind of afraid to look in that mirror.  Every time I do, I look up at the ceiling to make sure there aren't any spiders above me.  One time I looked up and there was a spider on the ceiling.  It wasn't directly above me but it was near.  I was feeling pretty paranoid then, like it was just watching me to make sure that I don't obsess about my appearance in the mirror again.  

So, if you have a bad habit that you need to break, I have to say that spiders are very effective.  Having spiders around works a lot faster than therapy does. 

P.S. I don't wanna go to school tomorrow : (
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
Current Music: silence
22 January 2011 @ 01:37 am
I just saw the movie No Strings Attached with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.  I didn't realize how hard watching a romantic movie would be.  Ashton Kutcher's character was so sweet!  The things that he did for her reminded me of the things Josh used to do for me.  The date scene where he has an itinerary of things to do reminded me of the time he planned my birthday.  He set up a scavenger hunt that led me from friend to friend.  Each friend had a clue that led me to the other and to my family and finally to Josh who was waiting for me at Del Cerro Park with candles, rose petals and a gluten-free cake that he baked.   Ashton Kutcher's character was adorable.  I had that guy.  But that guy is long gone and has been replaced by stone faced, cold hearted being.  It feels like he's not even a person anymore, like he's completely dissociated himself from all emotions.  Is he always that way or is it only towards me?  What happened to the Ashton Kutcher in him.  He can't just disappear, can he?

As we were leaving the theater I saw a dark blue Mazda RX8 in the parking lot.  I don't see those very often and I was almost sure that it was his car.  It turns out that it wasn't his car.  I can't describe the wave of emotions that hit me at the possibility of us being at the same place at the same time but not together.  The only emotions I can identify or anger, hope, fear, resentment, confusion and curiosity.  I wondered who he was there with.  Was it his guy friends?  Was it another girl?  I was relieved to find that it wasn't his car.  

The people that owned the car drove off at the same time I did.  I felt like I needed to follow them.  They were driving very fast and I tried to catch up.  As they exited the parking lot, they turned left and I turned right;  they went their way and I went my way only to find myself sitting at home, alone on the computer, debating whether or not I should have a glass of wine or a shot of rum.  I drank the lemon tea instead.

I can't tell you how much I long for him to text "hi" to me.  I'll most likely ignore him but I wish I had some sign that he is thinking about me.  I can't stop thinking about him no matter how hard I try.

I couldn't have asked for a better time to go on a winter retreat in San Juan Capistrano with the Christians on Campus crew.  I hoped that we would be gone longer and that we'd travel farther away.  It doesn't matter though, anywhere but here is suitable for me right now.
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: The TV from downstairs
20 January 2011 @ 07:09 pm
It is difficult to break an addict from their addiction.  There are few who are able to stop the minute they realize that they have a problem.  They say in most cases, addicts are only able to quit something once they've hit rock bottom.  I hit mine on Monday.  

I would have denied it in the past but it's now clear that I had a love addiction (not the same as sex addiction).  I knew he wasn't good for me and recently he had done more harm than good.  Yet, I still wanted him around.  I still wanted to talk to him.  I wanted proof that he still loved me.  Every time I called him I wanted to hear him say how much he missed me, or how happy he was to hear my voice.  I wanted to talk to him about my problems so that he could console me the way that he used to even before we were together. 

Perhaps it is my idealistic hope for people or maybe it's my  naivety, but I have a hard time giving up on people.  I don't like thinking that people are cruel and heartless.  I like to think that they are misunderstood and that if we understood them better then we can find the meaning behind their actions and then help them and lead them in the right direction.  I didn't want to accept the fact that college had changed him for the worst.  

Love AddictionCollapse )
Current Location: sick at home
Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: The Philadelphia Story
02 January 2011 @ 11:30 pm
I've decided that I'm going to create a new tradition; that is,  I will continue a tradition that I've kept for the past few years without realizing it.  I will update my lj at the beginning of each year.  For numerous reasons, I will try to write more often.  But for now, here is my first entry of the new year.

I am 21 and a senior in college <--information for future Courtney : )

I am going to start 2011 differently.  Instead of setting unattainable resolutions, I will create a list.  This list will contain all of my fears, terrors, anxieties, etc.  It will be my "Fear List" or "The Fear".  I know, (Insert a My Name is Earl comment here). I am going to take this list everywhere I go and I will check off each fear as I face them.  I think it goes without saying that I will exclude the actions that are to be feared for good reason.  For example, I am not about to do anything that will seriously threaten my life.  My focus will be on fears that keep me from achieving my dreams or ones that keep me from having fun.  There have been too many incidents where opportunity knocked but I was too scared to answer it.  There have been too many times where I've had to hold on to the side of the pool while other people swim carefree.  

Eleanor Roosevelt said "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, I lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along."

Marie Curie once said, "Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood."

Lastly, there is Veer Sharma's philosophy that Fear stands for "False Evidence Appearing Real".

I am doing this because I want to be a stronger person.  If I conquer these things, then what is left to be afraid.  Besides, what do I have to fear if God is on my side?

So anyways, that's my 2011 plan so far.  I'm sure this will incite many funny stories.  

I skipped the low dive and am now about to jump the high dive.  What's the worst that can happen?  A belly flop.  However, as much as they hurt, they are recoverable.
Current Mood: coldcold
01 December 2010 @ 05:42 pm
Last week I wrote this long, thoughtful post that I believe was going to be the masterpiece of my journal.  However, somehow I accidentally deleted it.  Livejournal really needs to have an "Are you sure you want to delete?" so that this doesn't happen.  I'm still pretty annoyed about it.  

Oh well to sum it up, sorry about the last depressing post, I am truly happy now, the socializing, therapy, antidepressants, reinvolvement with the church, not being with Josh seems to be working, I love writing, and I'm on a quest to find a female role model.  Sorry, I didn't want to attempt to rewrite everything that I wrote before.

This week, I can't say that I am as happy but I'm still not depressed.  The only thing that is worrying me now is the fact that I am having trouble just sitting and studying.  I am also struggling with staying awake. 

I am finally rediscovering the benefits of being single.  One of these benefits, as a friend of mine pointed out, was being able to flirt.  I'm not looking for a boyfriend or anything from a guy right now, obviously, but flirting is kind of fun.  Of course, flirting for me is called being outgoing to other people so I guess there isn't any measure of risk involved. 

I've actually met a few nice and interesting (and cute) guys at church groups but even so, i'm not ready to jump into another relationship right now.  I'm still in the process of discovering myself and until I discover myself, I cannot determine who will be a perfect match for me.  I've been living in a Josh-centered universe for a while now and it's kind of nice discovering that other possibilities are out there.  I still feel a little weird and guilty talking about this subject because I am still very much in love with Josh.  It's true what they say, falling out of love is a lot harder than falling in love.

Ramble Ramble Ramble Ramble Ramble Ramble Ramble.  Good night.
Current Location: CSULB library
Current Mood: tiredtired
19 November 2010 @ 04:52 pm
Hello again livejournal community, i'm back.  Actually I was back a couple of weeks ago but I decided to spare you all of the "Oh I'm single, woe is me" crap.  Your welcome.  You can thank lj for the private setting.

Well, my dream from kindergarten has finally come true.  When I was in kindergarten I had this dream that I was in a classroom with other students and one by one they all changed into puzzle pieces and fit themselves somewhere in the puzzle.  I kept waiting to change into a puzzle piece.  I waited and waited and nothing happened.  I was still just a six year-old girl who was staring at all of her classmates who all fit perfectly into the puzzle. 

No matter how much I try to fit in, it never works out.  When I do finally fit in somewhere, something happens that causes me to return to where I started.  The worst part is that it's not for lack of trying. 

I try to be happy and cheerful.  I try to be myself.  I don't know what is wrong.  I tried drinking and decided that wasn't a good idea early on.  I'm going to Toastmasters, seeing a therapist, seeing a church elder, seeing a career counselor and trying to see a department advisor.  I even caved in an succumbed to something that my therapist has been trying to push on me for a while but I had always refused because I didn't like the idea of my brain being entirely dependent on something, antidepressants. 

I don't know why I can't just be normal.  It's almost like english is my second language.  I wish this was so at least that could be an excuse.  In middle school I just didn't talk but now I talk and I guess the things I say don't make sense, or they are irrelevant, or stupid?  The only people who ever really knew have left me out in the cold so now I don't even have anyone to confirm who I really am anymore.  I don't even know anymore. 

I'd like to get an MBA but what company in the business world would want to hire somebody like me.  I look and talk like I'm 16.  The grades to get in shouldn't be a huge problem but would it even be worth it in the end if I got my master's?  It might end up being a waste of my parent's money. 

Simply put, I hate myself.
Current Location: csulb library
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
18 October 2010 @ 12:27 am
 I'm the type of person that likes to think the best of people.  I realize that nobody is perfect, including me, and we are all allowed to make mistakes.  Sometimes mistakes can cause others to get hurt.  In which case you can try to fix the problem immediately and trying to apologize.  If you're lucky...er blessed (trying to avoid saying the word lucky), the person will forgive you but there will always be that lack of trust in the relationship that will take lots of time and effort to get back.  If you are not blessed, the person will not forgive you and you will lose a friend.  Either way, there is guilt and regret that is difficult to bear and it's so hard to deal with that you swear you will learn from your mistakes and never make that mistake again.  I figure this is normal.  Am I right?

So why is it that I am seeing more and more people emotionally hurt other people and for lack of another phrase, not give a damn about it.  Cheating on your boyfriend that actually loves you with a scum bag who repeatedly woos you into bed and then never talks to you again.  And then even after you cheat on him multiple times, actually saying "I love you" back to him?  When you finally break up with you and tell him, you don't understand why he'd be upset?

Here's a recent one that involves one of Josh's classmates at UC Riverside.  You were with your boyfriend for four years.  Even though you two are going to the same school you decide to break up with him and then tell your ex's roommate that you want to sleep with him?  REALLY???  Of the thousands of people at your school you have to go for your ex's roommate whom you just met a few weeks ago???  

What is wrong with people??  Doesn't anyone practice empathy anymore?  Doesn't anyone care anymore?  Or love anymore?  As I said earlier, I'm not perfect either but I still think about past wrong doings at least once a day.  I know when I've done wrong but these people don't seem to know or don't seem to care.  

It scares me to think that these things seem to be happening on a regular basis.  I have at least 3 more similar stories too.  I am just soo grateful that I have surrounded myself with people who do care.  They are not perfect either but they at least know when they should apologize.  Josh and I are especially always on the same page with these kinds of things.  The more I hear about relationships nowadays, the more confident I am in my relationship.  We truly bring out the best in each other, regardless as to what anyone else may say or think.

*I'm too tired to proofread. Sorry for the grammatical errors.  I know they're there.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: floor heater
02 February 2010 @ 03:24 pm

My therapist thinks it would be beneficial to write my thoughts into a journal.  Perhaps it will.  However, sometimes I would prefer just getting over my thoughts and forgetting them.  Having to write them down and talk about just makes me feel those emotions again.  It's sometimes nicer to just forget and move on.  Of course, there is the chance that these thoughts will build and escalate into a full fledged panic attack.  I'll just follow her advice and see where it gets me.

So, the past two or three weeks have been one of the roughest two weeks of my life.  Every major aspect of my life has changed all at once and trying to adapt to all of them has proved to be a daunting task.  I guess I will split these changes and concerns into the following categories: work, family, school, home and relationship.

ChangesCollapse )

I finally got a new job!  Woo!  Somebody sound the alarm!  I can stop complaining about my old job.  Except, I havn't stopped working at my old job yet.  It officially ends this Friday.  Going in is really awkward right now.  I always get the feeling that a conversation about me has ended just before entering the room.  I am pretty convinced that there are people in HR who hate me.  Especially after my break down a couple of weeks ago.  I want to explain to them how I have been feeling for the past two years but why should I even bother.  They are either not going to understand or they are not going to care.  There are others in the office who I am sure forget that I am there.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't really expect for there to be a goodbye party set up for me before I leave.  I'm kind of glad because if there were, it would feel pretty fake.  They can at least spare me the embarrassment of pretending that they are actually going to miss me. 

I started my new job last week.  It is a small accounting firm that is not far from school.  I was saying to Josh that I liked the charm of it being in between a liquor store and a trophy shop.  It is very small but frankly, it's very me.  There is no drama.  The people go to work to work.  I get to prepare tax returns, type up invoices using Quickbooks, and reconcile bank statements.  There is also a lot of customer interaction involved.  The only thing about the job that is slightly stressing me out is the customer service part.  In my personal life, the way that I act doesn't usually offend people.  I know that for a fact.  However, my politeness in a business setting doesn't seem to work.  I guess people are always expecting people to be outgoing whether they really are or not.  Anyways, at least I get to practice it now.  Better learn now than never right?

I need to go to class so I will continue later...

Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: silence
29 December 2009 @ 08:03 pm
Sometimes I sit an wonder, what is school really preparing me for? I'm not gonna quit because I'm too much of a coward to do that but really, I don't know. What do I really wanna do in life? I wanna do film. I want to produce, direct, shoot, edit, etc. as long as it has to do with film. However, I have discovered a couple of truths about myself that I now create limitations to reaching this goal.
  1. I am not a leader.  Even when I have a vision and lay out steps, nobody seems to want to follow it.
  2. I am not very good with interpersonal communication.  No matter how friendly I try to be or how much I try to continue a conversation, I always end up scaring off people somehow.  It doesn't matter how many communication classes I take (2), or how many books I've read on the subject (2).  I never go beyond being an "acquaintance".  So much for networking.
  3. I am not as smart or creative as I originally thought.  It never fails, as soon as I begin writing a screenplay, I will see a movie that is almost exactly like it.  Or, I'll read what somebody else has written and get immediately discouraged because I will never be able to write like that.
  4. I have no money.  Filmmaking is an expensive hobby.  I have a camera but that's it.  I have no lights, no backdrops, no audio devices, and no editing software.  All I have is cheap camcorder and film books.
However, for some reason I'm still trying to make this dream work.  I've technically started a production company.  I made a wiki for it and everything.  I have a name and a mission statement.  Macgic Films.  Now I just need a screenplay, a crew, equipment, a business plan, oh yeah, and time.  I'm not sure how far Macgic Films will go.  Right now I just want to make a movie.  Period.  Afterwards, I'll try to send it into festivals and whatnot. 

Now to my major and hopeful money raiser, accounting, I don't feel much more confident with this dream either.  I've never been much of a math person.  I'm not bad at it; I'm just not good at it.  Business seemed like a safe major because it's easy to fall back on if film pulls through.  (It also makes me a little bit more wiser to prevent people from ripping me off.)  However, I've run into successful businessmen and women and they are soo the opposite of me.  They are so forceful and manipulative and persuasive and charismatic and greedy?    I am timid and...pretty much not any of those things.  I can see myself as just sticking to my work and never being promoted because of my absence of "spunk". 

Despite all of these doubts, I don't know what my alternatives would be.  Housewife?  Nah, I don't know how to cook and barely know how to clean.  Plus, I'd be bored.  Teacher?  They don't get paid well nowadays and don't get much respect either.  Plus, I don't want to follow my parent's footsteps.  College professor?  You get the respect but not paid much.  Also, it requires a lot of public speaking.  I can speak in public if I practice A LOT but I'm too lazy to practice my speech every day before class. 

So, I guess we'll see what happens.  One thing is for sure, I'm going to need God's help with this one.
Current Mood: mellowmellow
Current Music: Tik Tok by Keisha